Erin and Beth were playing on their laptops when Grosland finally entered the living room at around noon. Her hair was plastered to her forehead and stuck up all over in the back; she was wearing her frumpy cow-print pajamas; and from the look on her face she seemed to have developed an intense hangover. She stood in the doorway, staring mirthlessly at the pair of them. Beth and Erin looked at each other, then Erin said, "Hey, Bro. You want some breakfast?"
Grosland didn't answer, simply walking forward and plopping herself down on the couch between her roommates. They once again exchanged worried glances, but curiosity was burgeoning from them. Before either one of them could say anything, Grosland grunted, "I suppose you want to know where I've been this past week."
"Only if you want to tell us!" Erin said, leaning towards Grosland excitedly. Beth nodded fervently.
Grosland took a deep breath, rubbing her hand down her face. "I'm gonna need a drink, then."
Two minutes later, Beth and Erin were sitting on the floor in front of Grosland with their legs crossed. Gros had a tall glass of strawberry milk in her hand, and the wise look of an old sailor on her face as she began her tale. "First of all," she said, glugging down some milk, "I
wasn't in San Francisco." Beth's face became outraged, and Gros corrected, "Well, I was. But only for a few hours. My true destination was a bit more . . . foreign. See, I was in San Francisco to meet a helicopter."
"What?!" Erin burst out. Several goblins (who had been listening in on the story, though they were still out of sight) gasped in shock as well.
Grosland glared at Erin with her bloodshot eyes. "Don't interrupt. It's very rude. Like I said, I was meeting up with a helicopter. The helicopter took me to China, see, but even that wasn't my true destination. It was just the most convenient place for my crew to assemble without attracting much notice.
"Now, before you interrupt again, yes I have a crew. They're a colorful lot, wizened old men and tattooed women and all that sort. But we're all united in our passion: hunting down the Kraken." Beth and Erin looked at each other in bemusement, but didn't dare to interrupt. Grosland was getting a crazy look in her eye that boded ill. "That beast of beasts, the terror of the seas. We've been working together for years, trying to track down the thing, and we finally had a breakthrough. One of my scientists found the monster's lair with a probe. The probe was destroyed, but not until we'd gotten the approximate telemetry of its location. As soon as I was informed, I sent word to the crew that we were to gather on the coast of China, at a little seaport called Nhiaka.
"We boarded our submarine,
El Destino del Calamar, and set off for the Kraken's lair on Tuesday. We were well-supplied with torpedoes, harpoons, ray guns, and anything else we might need to survive such a dangerous encounter. We were prepared for everything . . . except what eventually defeated us."
At this, Grosland took a long drink from her glass. Beth said, in a strained voice, "You have a crew? And a submarine?"
Grosland laughed without humor. "I
did," she said darkly. She slammed her fist on the table. "I DID."
There was a significant pause. A squeaky voice from behind the couch said, "More story! What is happening once boat go in water?"
Grosland blinked, but seemed to decide that the voice had come from Erin, for she continued without question. "We searched for the Kraken's lair for two days. Once, we thought we had found it, but that cave just ended up leading to some underwater city - Atlantis, I think it was - and they didn't know anything about the monster. Dead end after dead end, we searched the blackness of the deeps. But on the third day . . . ." Grosland's eyes lit up for the first time since she'd been home. "I saw it."
Erin gasped involuntarily.
"It was massive," Grosland said, waving her arms the way sailors do. "Tentacles at least fifty feet long, and great big eyes the size of manhole covers. We spotted it devouring a poor beluga whale, and its beak glinted maliciously even in the dark waters. It was so distracted by its meal that it didn't even notice us until we were a hundred yards away."
Suddenly, Grosland was standing on the coffee table, gesticulating wildly. "We shot a load of harpoons at it, but it caught every one. SNAP! SNAP! with its powerful tentacles. It swam right at us, but we'd upgraded
El Destino with a few radioactive motors! SZWOO SZWOOSZWOOSZWOO! It was close behind, and the ray guns seemed to be having no effect through the water. It grabbed us in its slimy arms and began to squeeze. The oxygen tanks were bursting all over the ship, POW! POW! and we were close to collapsing. BUT! The foolish beast had its mouth clamped right over one of the torpedo tubes! We managed to get our biggest torpedo in there, and as our last hope, we shot the torpedo right into the beasts mouth! KAPLOW!"
Grosland jumped into the air, shooting out her arms and legs. Beth and Erin jumped as well, startled, and several of the goblins screamed. When Grosland landed, she knelt on one knee and sighed. "We had barely escaped with our lives. There was just enough power to make it back to land, and I ordered a retreat." She looked up, and her eyes were cold again. "But my first mate - Loghain - had other ideas. He arranged a mutiny, rallying up the crew with rants about how they could still win the fight. I tried to talk them down, but the men were insane with bloodlust, and cared more for their futile fight than for their lives. I was the only one who saw the sense in retreat, in fighting another day. For my sensibility, I was . . . put off the ship."
She stood again. "In only a wetsuit and helmet, I was ejected from the submarine. I watched my ship dive back into the depths, and within thirty minutes I was watching bits of my comrades floating back up to the surface." Erin's hands were clamped over her face in horror. "I swam as quickly as I could, and I would have made it to the surface, but I was attacked by a hammerhead shark. I defeated it handily, but not before he had bitten through my helmet. I blacked out, and the last thing I saw was the shadow of a ship high above me.
"It turned out to be a boat of Chinese fisherman. They caught me in one of their fishing nets by mistake. When I awakened, I managed to convince them that I was a mermaid princess, and they agreed to help me in whatever way they could. I told them that if they delivered me to the San Francisco bay, I'd grant them three wishes. Fortunately, they all wished for peanuts, so that was easily settled once we'd reached California. They dropped me off on Alcatraz Island, and I used the secret tunnels to get back here."
Grosland had finally settled, sitting down heavily on the couch and slurping from her strawberry milk again. Beth and Erin were flabbergasted, staring at Grosland with wide eyes and wider mouths. When she had finished her drink, Gros slapped it back down on the table and leaned back into the cushions with her eyes closed.
They stayed like that for an immeasurable time.
Then Grosland's eyes shot open and she sat up straight as a rod, looking around in alert suspicion. "Girls," she asked in a would-be-calm sort of voice, "why is the apartment full of chickens?"
